Comments on: The Only Color

By: Melissa

Melissa — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 14:09:17 +0000

Thank you, David. As for the award, I don't mind either way. The main thing was simply to say I like the way you tell lies.

By: Linda

Linda — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 11:05:31 +0000

I appreciate the discussion engendered by your piece. Thank you for writing it, and for describing your thought process for each line. And yes, there is a distinct beat or rhythm upon hearing it read aloud (stupendous, btw) and reading it 'flat' on the screen. I would most definitely take the back and forth as a compliment of the highest kind — it means we all give a damn about your story ;^) Peace, Linda

By: markkerstetter

markkerstetter — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 22:56:46 +0000

To cut or not to cut? Your reasoning on why you wrote what you did works for me.

I just read this by philosopher Simon Critchley: “[n war} a human being is meat and only this belief both expresses the lie and allows one to survive.” This is from his essay on the film “The Thin Red Line”.

By: David G Shrock

David G Shrock — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 19:54:14 +0000

Thanks for comments on story and voice. Nice catch by @TonyNoland even the editor missed it. I'll take everything into consideration.

As for the last line, I believe it depends on the layers the reader catches onto (or stands out the most) and the beat as noted by several comments. If uncertain, see comments by Shannon, Lily, Melissa, and Karen. Then take a closer look at this line:

"He wishes me luck, find death at last. I thank him and shake my head. Another field, nothing ever changes. Perhaps my time passed me long ago."

If I were to remove the last line, I'd edit the above down as well and change the beat in other places. However, this story is not black-and-white. Could it be written better? Certainly, but I don't expect all readers to see the same things. If nothing else, removing the last line breaks the music. Listen to the voice telling.

Thanks, everyone. The feedback is most helpful as I study flash and poetry.

By: David G Shrock

David G Shrock — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 19:25:35 +0000

Thanks. I used Garage Band to record voice. Need a better mic, but the built-in worked good enough. I'll try slower next time.

By: Amy Taylor

Amy Taylor — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 17:01:41 +0000

I was unsure about the last line too, but for the rest it's a great shorter piece, with an excellent use of language that's needed in such a small space.

By: PJ Kaiser

PJ Kaiser — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 16:09:39 +0000

David – I loved this piece – definitely one of your best. I vote for keeping the last line – it's not mandatory but i like the emphasis to tie the piece up. I definitely dig the new blog and kudos for the voice recording! you must tell me how you did it – i am hoping to do it soon with my stories. My only suggestion would be to read it a bit more slowly and be sure to enunciate – some of the words were too fast and ran together. You have a great voice, though

By: CJ Hodges MacFarlane

CJ Hodges MacFarlane — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 14:21:16 +0000

I think you can keep the last line, but I'd get rid of the red colored text on the word “red”. I enjoyed the ” They shed crimson tears upon my dress. Even the mercenaries cry for me.” Well done.

By: Tony Noland

Tony Noland — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 12:20:03 +0000

I loved the rhythms of this, as well as the distilled economy of words. Very potent and beautiful.

I would add my vote for striking the last line. One other minor item, a typo in paragraph 5 – you have “Canon fire announces the battle…”

By: David G Shrock

David G Shrock — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 03:59:07 +0000

Thanks, Melissa. Yes, I understood you liked the last line. As you said, “both things need to be underscored” and your response points out the layer that makes the final line necessary. My stories tend to be multi-layered and I don't expect everyone to see it all at once. You're a careful reader and point out the layers including your personal view. Very much appreciated.

As for the 'award', I don't normally participate in these things, but I'll consider a creative spin. Thanks.