Comments on: Clarabelle

By: J. M. Strother

J. M. Strother — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 22:16:02 +0000

Built up the tension nicely. I really got a sense of what it would be like to be buried alive. There were a few parts that confused me though, specifically the red light in the coffin, and the man, Demetri at the end.
~jon

By: Laurita

Laurita — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:59:51 +0000

Really good story. I'll agree with both Michael and Mark. With your fiction, go back and take out all the unnecessary words, you'll find out your story will really pack a punch. Then take those other words and create some poetry. I have a feeling you'd be really good at it.

By: Skycycler

Skycycler — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 22:02:20 +0000

Airless and claustrophobic. Good work, David.

By: mazzz_in_Leeds

mazzz_in_Leeds — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 13:48:10 +0000

Further to Mark's comment – you know that old question “Do you eat or drink soup?” If words were soup, then in this story it's definitely a case of eating! Proper stick-to-your-ribs stuff. This probably makes no sense to anyone but me, but anyway

By: Marisa Birns

Marisa Birns — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 03:57:13 +0000

Heightened imagery here with its poetic and prosaic elements.

Perhaps an overabundance of "ing" present participle words? Especially at start of sentences.

Nonetheless, your story fascinates.

By: Linda

Linda — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 03:33:00 +0000

I’m a fan of description, especially of scene setting, so there’s a lot of good stuff here. Your story definitely intrigues. I agree with MJ that some editing (look for redundancies of concept and ditching of adjectives) will heighten the tension on this piece even more. Loved the one-liners that set the paras apart. Peace, Linda

By: David G Shrock

David G Shrock — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 03:28:31 +0000

I wrote the first draft to this a couple years ago as part of a novel. After cutting it, I worked it into “Suffocation Bell” as a flashback. Only minor edits, otherwise the same as the original draft.

By: David G Shrock

David G Shrock — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 03:21:45 +0000

Thanks, Mark. Words might like me, but I'm not entirely fond of them. Those little devils dance a dangerous groove keeping me alert.

My previous attempts at writing poetry left a bad disconnected feeling, but I was also much younger then. I'd have to read some to get the feel for it.

It would probably do me good to read a little poetry. Write poetry? I don't know. Maybe if I can learn the dance.

By: David G Shrock

David G Shrock — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 03:07:56 +0000

Good point.

This is the sort of feedback I'm always looking for.

By: Mark Kerstetter

Mark Kerstetter — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 02:30:12 +0000

Words seem to like you. You whip them up into a froth. You seem to need a lot of them to really get going, and IMO that's a gift. I really think you might like to try poetry.