Alley Shade

a flash story by David G Shrock

Sketchpad under arm, Julie marches on the sidewalk. Cold breeze lifts hair off shoulder, and she glances up at the eastern sky expecting the glow of the rising sun. A handful of stars twinkle above city haze.

On the next block over a delivery truck groans, gears crunching into position. The traffic light switches from green to yellow. Julie leaps onto the sidewalk. Black Mary Janes clap cement.

Headlights glare in the far lane of the one-way road, a shadow slides across road, and a car rumbles by.

Eyes adjusting, Julie spots a figure standing in the center of the nearest lane. Watching the form, she slips fingers into the handbag and around a can of pepper spray. She distrusts anyone out at this hour, least of all those standing in the middle of the road. Pace quickening, she marches keeping eyes on the form to the right.

Baseball cap turns in her direction. The figure steps closer.

Finger touches spray nozzle. She watches the man.

Dressed in a puffy coat, hands in pockets, he steps into the glow of the streetlight. A shadow falls over the face beneath the brim of the cap. Untied laces flop around the left shoe.

The man pulls hand from pocket. “You see them?” The voice, hushed as if whispering, bellows sending her skin crawling.

Slowing pace, she glances in the direction of the pointed finger finding an entrance to an alley. Stopping in the glare beneath the lamppost, she looks around.

Home resides four blocks away, and her aching feet beg for rest.

The man shuffles closer, left foot dragging.

Peering at the alley corner, she sees wood pallets stacked against the wall and other shapes hidden in the dark behind them. Brow rising, she shakes her head. “Who?”

“Them.” Although an attempt at whispering, the hoarse voice is loud enough for them to hear in the alley, if anyone is there to hear at all.

“I don’t see anyone.”

“Call the cops.” Facing the alley, the man stands up on his toes, wobbling. He appears drunk or disoriented, but otherwise normal in clothes too nice for a homeless man. “Hey you little monsters! We’re calling the cops!”

Mind jumping to full alert, eyes growing big, Julie searches the shadows within the alley. The cold air wrapping around her legs sends shivers rising up her body, mouth shuddering.

A clap explodes from the alley.

She leaps onto toes, eyes growing wider.

“Do you see them,” says the man, nearly shouting his hoarse whisper. Standing, he shifts from foot to foot and points into the alley.

Wishing for something stronger than pepper spray—a gun or a grenade even—she bounces up on her toes, pivoting around and searches for an escape.

Just beyond the street on the previous block, a dark figure marches on the sidewalk blocking retreat.

“There,” he says. “Right there they are!”

Twirling around, Julie sees the man stumble onto the sidewalk, coming at her, hands flying out. His eyes are huge, full of fear. She leaps back from the waving hands, watching the man tipping towards her. The cap flies free, and the man falls, palms clapping on the sidewalk. Metal skitters across the rough surface, a dark object slides up clanging against the base of the lamppost.

Gaze falling on the pistol, Julie snatches it up. Hugging the sketchpad with her left arm, her right hand rises pointing the gun at the alley, finger falling on the trigger. Her first time, but the gun feels comfortable in her hand as if it belongs there.

“No good,” says the man, climbing to his feet. “Can’t kill them.”

The entrance to the alley is as before, pallets stacked against the far wall near the corner.

Arms out, he shuffles closer.

Pointing the gun at the man, Julie scurries back three steps. “Stay away!”

“Please, lady.” He clasps his hands together, wild eyes darting about. “Make them go away.”

“Who’s in the alley?”

He bites down on fingers. “They stay in the shadows. Watching. Always watching.”

She sees something besides fear in those eyes: the glassy orbs of confusion. With all the shouting, anyone hiding is gone by now. There might be someone in there, she thinks, shot earlier by the crazy man. She glances over her shoulder.

The figure stands at the street corner, beside the walk sign, hands in his pocket, a silhouette hiding in the shadows. Watching.

One eye on the crazy man, gun pointed at the ground, foot stepping in front of the other, Julie slinks closer to the alley. Heart pounding, she holds her breath peering into the darkness. Her flesh crawls. Face turns to ice.

Behind the pallets, a shape leans against the wall. Six feet tall, it stands, unmoving. Growing from the darkness, shape and texture build, a wrinkled surface appears, a tarp wrapped around a cylindrical object.

Julie releases her breath.

Standing at the entrance to the alley, she peers at the street on the far side. Beyond the pallets and the tarp, trash cans stand along the both walls, paper cups litter the ground, a tire sits in a puddle at the center.

“No one is there,” says Julie, turning back to the man.

Headlights flood the road, an engine roars.

She stuffs the pistol into her handbag. Glancing down the road, she looks at the corner now lit by the passing car. Seeing no one there, she sighs. Heart slows to a normal beat.

Feet stomping the sidewalk, the man in the puffy coat storms away crushing cap underfoot.

Watching the man, Julie considers of all the animals in the world only humans scare the crap out of themselves.

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  • That was good! It was tense, it was fast, it was compelling.
  • Interesting look into human nature. Was anybody there? Ultimately it doesn't matter, what matters is that the man believes they are and he might have convinced the woman they are, too.

    Really enjoyable prose - the clipped sentences are attention grabbing and really puts you in the moment that she experiences.
  • Thanks for pointing out the human nature angle, Jared. Fear is powerful, convincing, contagious.

    I'm glad to hear how many enjoyed the prose in this one.
  • Thanks for the support Chance, Trevor, and Eric. Indeed, those imagined things are the scariest.

    I'll get back to Sebastian in December and consider another Julie adventure in January.
  • I look forward to more. You've introduced a great deal of tension and intrigue.
  • Very cool. Sometimes the scariest things are those that aren't really there. Good story!
  • chance1234
    theres is great pacing to this creepy tale, you can really feel the suspense
  • I'm going to sound off with many others on this one; outstanding job building tension, but some of the descriptions and events left me a touch confused. The good news is, I didn't care. I kept chugging along assuming I'd figure it out at some point.

    The bad news is, some of it never cleared up.

    The good news is, it didn't much matter. The tension and edge-of-your-seat ride overcame any weaknesses, and the last line of the story sort of makes everything clear anyway.

    GREAT job. Bravo!
  • Thanks. You summarized everything very nice, and I agree with nearly everything.

    I prefer a stronger description placing the alley as Julie approaches it: Is it on the same side of the street? It matters if only a little. The focus is on the panic--the ride. Some details are for the reader to fill in, but the descriptions could be better.

    The bad news: no background on Julie. (Why was she walking down the street at night?) The good news for those interested: find out more about Julie whenever I finish her big story.

    The good news: I have a copyright notice at the bottom of my blog... [Kids, see J. Dane Tyler's #fridayflash "Copyright Protected" to see what happens when you steal content.]
  • ganymeder
    Interesting story. I was a little thrown by the short sentences, but the tension was great. Thanks.
  • I can't resist adding one more thing. On EU there is discussion about using present tense. Some people are totally against it but I think it really works here.
  • Thanks for commenting twice, Susan.

    Interesting observation on "Heart slows." The difference you notice breaks the beat, adjusting pace at a point where Julie's fear level drops. Could it be better? Probably.

    Some are against present tense? Really? I may take a look at their argument. I favor past tense unless the story benefits from present such as increasing suspense or pulling the reader into the midst of the action. This story was practice for my current project which demands present tense.
  • Visit www.editorunleashed.com and read the thread under Writer's Cafe about present tense. It's an interesting dialogue.
  • I loved this story. The cadence worked well for me: eyes adjusting; pace quickening; brow rising; mind jumping; eyes growing; cold air wrapping; mouth shuddering; hands flying; palms clapping; gaze falling, etc. The only spot that threw me was toward the end, "Heart slows." It seemed like it should be "heart slowing" although maybe the change made it stand out. I really liked the 'flash' quality. No extra words.
  • I have to second many of the comments I've seen already, especially mention of the tension as well as needing a little more clarity on the physical space. I think the staccato is good; I did sometimes wonder about the missing possessives (his/her), but if others like that, then I'm probably in the minority.
  • Good observation on the possessives, Kim. Something I've thought over before. Possessives exist, so I assume you mean fewer or a sentence that seemed confusing without one. Perhaps it's personal preference.

    Too many possessives bother me, especially repeating instances--if we know it's 'her scarf' (and there's only one scarf) go ahead and call it 'the scarf' once in a while. I may drop one in favor of tempo if I feel it doesn't add confusion.

    Instead of writing, "she glanced over her shoulder," I will sometimes write "she glanced over-shoulder" to convey a quicker glance. Obviously if she glanced over another shoulder, best to include 'his' or a name so we know it's not hers.

    During editing I sometimes find myself adding, removing, or exchanging possessives. Sometimes for the better.

    Thanks.
  • Love how you 'worked with the reader' I could totally feel her fear! Amazing piece! :)
  • I liked the tenseness and how you put the reader smack dab into the story.

    It did get a little confusing with the geographical layout of the alley vs the road, but the story was compelling enough for me to trust the writer and not dwell on that--even though I got confused, I stayed in the story.

    I'm glad this will continue onto a longer story, because, despite the truism of the last line, I almost felt cheated with 'nothing' being there. Knowing that another chapter continues the story, and Julie starts seeing something more, is very exciting.
  • Thanks, Peggy. I agree, better description of the location of the alley is in order (It's the next intersection when Julie spots the man in the road.) I would feel a little cheated as well after so much energy spent on whatever watches from the alley. I may or may not include another Julie adventure in a future #fridayflash. It's encouraging to hear you find the prospect of more exciting. Thanks very much.
  • Great flow, David. The text retreated and the story emerged from that 'beat'. And then the suspense... I like this. Thanks.
  • I kept expecting Julie to get run over by the delivery truck. That was purposeful I suppose? Nice suspense throughout.
  • Those early morning delivery trucks can be spooky.
  • Thanks for the kind comments. (And to Maria for pointing out an error. Feel free to point out typos and other nasties in the comments.) The 'staccato beat' appears to be the winning method here.

    Julie is the primary character in my unpublished novel. After this short adventure, she starts seeing 'them' in the shadows watching her and questions if the man in the puffy coat had seen something real after all.
  • It's quite a tense piece. You captured my interest and kept me reading. I like that you used short sentences and lots of action. I had a few moments of confusion. I didn't know where the gun came from. I also didn't know if there was a third man watching from behind her, or if she and the crazy guy were alone. Was the crazy guy injured?
  • Thanks for the comment.

    Right before Julie picks up the gun, the crazy man stumbles and 'metal skitters' on the ground. Logic is the crazy man dropped it even though Julie never actually saw him drop anything. A loose connection I rewrote a couple times, but left it like this.

    Julie thinks she saw another man behind her (but then he disappears) scaring her from simply running away from crazy man and the alley. Was the other man real? I leave this detail to the reader's imagination.

    The crazy man limps, so he might be injured. Maybe he stumbled earlier running away from his fear. It might also be the result of whatever hallucinogenic state he is in. I leave the details to your imagination.
  • Ah -- gotcha. I like that everything is alluded to. I really felt her fear in the alleyway.
  • Love the last line! Great staccato beat.
  • wild. scary a compelling tale.
  • Just love your story, David! The third person present tense, with its staccato beat of sentences fits perfectly.

    Your last sentence? Brilliant.

    Two thumbs up!
  • I like the use of the short sentences (there's a proper term for these, sentence fragments, possibly?) to increase the tension.
    Very creepy piece!
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